by far the scariest moment of my life.

I need to post about this so that I never forget. If I never forget, I'll learn from my mistake. This is what happened.

Today after church I had Jonathan run a quick errand for me. He went to our friends apartment to borrow a pot. For the three minutes he was gone, I prepared a snack for Talmage that consisted of fruit cocktail- the kind from a can. Usually I chop everything he eats into small bites, but this time I thought all the fruit was small and soft enough for him to chew (he has FIVE teeth now ps). I gave him his fruit then turned my back to do dishes. A few moments later I hear his feet kicking vigorously in his highchair. He does this often just to be silly so I didn't think much of it, not bothering to turn around. KICK KICK KICK KICK BANG BANG BANG BANG. The kicks got more rapid and loud, so I turned around quickly to find my sweet boy's face a dark purple, his mouth open and gaping for air. He was choking. I panicked. The first thought I had was, "Why isn't Jonathan here? He knows how to handle this and I need him." As fast as I was humanly capable I threw the tray off of the highchair-fruit flying everywhere. I pulled him out, sat down, put him down on my leg, and started the pounding. I was taught a long time ago to pound with the inside of the bottom of your palm, where its hard and connects to your wrist. I knew where to pound (thank goodness) and so that's what I did. I swear it felt like eternity before the lodged piece of fruit popped out of his mouth. He cried for a long time. He was traumatized, surely. So was I...I was sure that I had bruised his back severly (by the way- I have not yet noticed any bruises). Jonathan walked in just as the two of us were recovering, holding one another.

"Did he fall out?" Jonathan aksed.
"No...he was choking. Really choking."
I walked around the living room, holding Talmage close as he cried pitifully into my shoulder. He felt so limp and weak...and tired. I held him until he stopped crying.

After puting Talmage back into his his highchair, I tried to cut up his fruit so he could finish his snack, but my hands were shaking and I nearly cut my finger off. Jonathan was still standing bewildered, waiting for an explanation of what had just occured.
"I didn't know what to do, so I just took him out and started..." I motioned with my hands the pounding because my eyes were swelling with tears and I could not talk. Jonathan gave me a big hug and told me it was okay. It did not feel okay. Thanks to my neglect and stupidity I almost killed our child. He took over while I went into the bathroom to sob. I cannot explain what fear, anxiety, and guilt I felt in that moment. To be truthful, the one thing I always feared most with having a baby was what to do when he/she choked. It just seems so inevitable. Kids shove food into their mouth in large quantities all the time- so why wouldn't it happen?

I guess this post is depressing, but I had to share. Parents, please please watch what goes into your babe's mouth...don't be careless like me. In this instance it was a small squishy grape, but it could be anything. Take caution...and pray for the Spirit to always be present. I'm sure that had it not been for the safety of that Holy Spirit in our home that I would NOT have the brains to act as fast as I did.

by far the scariest moment of my whole life. period.