Saturday, September 26, 2009

Child of Mine

One of my closest friends from the younger years had her baby today. I just can't believe she is a mommy already and how much she has prepared herself for this time...and I can't believe that in 6 months I will be in her shoes...laying in a hospital bed with a tiny child in my arms...I have to be honest. I'm scared to death.

How much do I really understand about newborns? I know that all those motherly instincts are supposed to kick in or whatever...but something tells me its a little more than that. I am doing everything in my power right now to prepare myself for that day, but I still don't feel like it's enough. I don't doubt that I will love my child, in fact at 3 months I am already starting to feel that love. But there are so many do's and dont's. The worst thing ever would be for someone to look at me with my baby and think, "Is that the mother? Does she know what she's doing?" I've had recurring nightmares about this...and this morning Jonathan said he had a bad dream, too. It was a little different from mine, but it's apparent that the anxiety is present in both our minds. Augh...I'm doing my best to not worry about it, but days like this are hard to escape. I mean, Chelse gave BIRTH. To a HUMAN BEING. Is that not just a little daunting? I don't think I've ever known someone so personally who had a baby...it hits a different level of emotion. It's much more real.

I know I should give myself more credit. I am a good person and I know how I want to raise my kids. Every day in Child Nutrition I come up with new things my children will or will not do. But what about that whole other realm of ..nurturing? Being there every moment of the day for that little person..

Every time I see an infant my eyes linger on their sweet faces and I feel just that more overwhelmed that someday I'll be responsible for one. Before getting pregnant, I thought through this and felt that I was ready. Maybe I should tack a sign on the bathroom mirror reminding myself of that...or not, cause I always thought that was cheesy. Or maybe I will just keep praying for the assurance that all is well.

4 comments:

SBR said...

i think the sign on the bathroom mirror was a good idea...nothing wrong with cheesy reinforcement!! and you will be an awesome mommy. i don't expect that to squelch your fears or anything because there's always going to be that huge elephant of responsibility in the room, but i know you'll do a great job of just...doing what you do best. loves

Layla said...

Hi, I'm going to Paris for 2 weeks. Wanna be a guest blogger on my blog? Let me know soon.

Megan said...

I don't think anyone feels completely prepared. I don't know how you can! But once that sweet little spirit is here, it doesn't matter anymore because you love him/her so much that you try so hard to do your very best and you don't have time to worry about what you might do wrong. I think that's all that matters is that you know you're going to do the best you know how to do and your very best is going to be what is best for that child. And the whole giving birth thing, just think about how many zillions of women have given birth since Eve. It's such a natural thing and medicine is so advanced now that it's a breeze compared to what it used to be! We are so blessed to live in a time with such great medical advances and technology. And the funny thing is, after that baby comes out and you see that slimy, swollen, cone head-most beautiful creature you've ever laid eyes on- you completely forget the last 9 months of discomfort and the last several hours of hard labor and pushing something the size of a watermelon out of such a small opening of your body. In an instant it's all gone and so worth it!! And it will be the best thing that ever happened to you :D

Andrew and Shae said...

Girlie, I am so excited for you, and I am sure that Heavenly Father will give you the assurance that you need--especially since you will be caring for a child of His. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be a really special moment. You'll make a great mother. Even I have doubts sometimes. I wonder if I can be the mom that I need to be. But, we are really fortunate. We've got a lot of backup, meaning the Lord.