One of my closest friends from the younger years had her baby today. I just can't believe she is a mommy already and how much she has prepared herself for this time...and I can't believe that in 6 months I will be in her shoes...laying in a hospital bed with a tiny child in my arms...I have to be honest. I'm scared to death.
How much do I really understand about newborns? I know that all those motherly instincts are supposed to kick in or whatever...but something tells me its a little more than that. I am doing everything in my power right now to prepare myself for that day, but I still don't feel like it's enough. I don't doubt that I will love my child, in fact at 3 months I am already starting to feel that love. But there are so many do's and dont's. The worst thing ever would be for someone to look at me with my baby and think, "Is that the mother? Does she know what she's doing?" I've had recurring nightmares about this...and this morning Jonathan said he had a bad dream, too. It was a little different from mine, but it's apparent that the anxiety is present in both our minds. Augh...I'm doing my best to not worry about it, but days like this are hard to escape. I mean, Chelse gave BIRTH. To a HUMAN BEING. Is that not just a little daunting? I don't think I've ever known someone so personally who had a baby...it hits a different level of emotion. It's much more real.
I know I should give myself more credit. I am a good person and I know how I want to raise my kids. Every day in Child Nutrition I come up with new things my children will or will not do. But what about that whole other realm of ..nurturing? Being there every moment of the day for that little person..
Every time I see an infant my eyes linger on their sweet faces and I feel just that more overwhelmed that someday I'll be responsible for one. Before getting pregnant, I thought through this and felt that I was ready. Maybe I should tack a sign on the bathroom mirror reminding myself of that...or not, cause I always thought that was cheesy. Or maybe I will just keep praying for the assurance that all is well.