Saturday, May 25, 2013

4 years

This month marks the 4 year anniversary of this blog. I haven't been looking forward to this or anything, but as I was tinkering around on it I realized my first post was in May of 2009. Crazy! It certainly doesn't feel that long...

but, it got me thinking.

When I started this blog, we didn't yet have children nor were we expecting one (but in truth we had just begun trying to get pregnant). We had been married for 5 months and life was so peaceful. Looking back, I'm glad that I started a blog to glimpse back on our lives as just husband and wife. And frankly, I miss it.

Of course I love my children. Of course I wouldn't take any of it back. The timing of when our darling kiddos came into our lives was perfect and we were ready to be parents. However, I don't think we were ready to stop being newlyweds.

I don't care what anyone says, this is how it was for us. The minute we found out we were having a child our "newlywed" phase began to fade. And when we held that boy in our arms, we went into ultra parenting mode and instead of being one anothers' most important someone- our focus went into this new most important someone. Instead of only making one another happy, we knew from that point that we would do everything in our power to make this tiny little person happy.And that's how it should be, so it's okay.

BUT I'm not going to lie. I do wish sometimes we could have had more time together- just us- before growing our family. I wonder what it would have been like to take trips and go out on dates when we felt like it and sleep in together on Saturdays. I suppose we could still do all those things but they require much, much more effort.

Heck, maybe I would have been able to finish school. Wouldn't it have been nice to have a degree that I could use later down the road instead of an associate's in General Studies...

and no this is not the part where I say-

"but when I look into their eyes, I know that it's worth it"...blah blah blah...

because that goes without saying. Of course they are worth it. Still, I miss being just a WIFE.

Since we don't have a lot of "each other" time anymore, sometimes we feel inclined to get a babysitter and go out (not often enough though).
That's when I really notice how awkward we are without kids around us...usually the conversation goes like this.

me: "Soo...this is nice, isn't it? Just you and me."

J: "Yeah. It's nice. Ummm how was your day?"

me: "Good. I did (such and such) with the kids. They were being (such and such). I wonder how they are doing. Should I call the babysitter?"

or maybe..

"Not good. The kids did (such and such) to me. They were destroying (such and such) and yelling out (such and such) all day long and I'm about to (such and such) I just can't it anymore! I wonder how they are doing. Should I call the babysitter?"

J: "Uhh...we've only been gone 15 minutes. Let's wait."

me: "okay. So...this is nice."

and I know I'm at fault. I shouldn't even bring them into conversation when we're trying to be romantic and all. But I can't help it--they are my life! I hang around them all day and everything I do is based around them. What do I say? How can I be "the wife" and not "the mother"? gah.

I've forgotten how to be a newlywed. I want to be one forever. I love my hott man of a husband and I want him to know it.

yowza. I got wayyy off track here. Anyway. Back to the blog thing.

Several times I have considered deleting this ol' thing. I get easily annoyed with the blogging community at times--the repeating trends and sparkling diy tutorials and room reveals, etc. But every time I bring it up with my husband, he urges me not to because it has been our family journal since we started being a family.

He tells me he is grateful for all I've documented, billions of pictures and all. I've also used this blog to vent (kinda like now...haha...except I'm not upset- just stating the facts). And re-reading those vents is good for me because it reminds me of when I was down and how I overcame it.

And then I look back at all the old posts. I am reminded that I am still very much in love with my sweetheart of 4 years, even if we don't remember how to show one another our love in overly romantic gestures and hearty conversation during dates. I see the pictures him with the kids and feel overwhelmingly happy. As much as I may need him to be my newlywed of a husband, they need him to be their dad. And really, there's no reason why he can't be both.

We do have times that we get to talk about us and real stuff and life and feelings are usually when our kids are tucked in their beds and we are just Jonathan and Lindsey. Not mom and dad. It keeps me going and I'm grateful we have that time.

4 years I've written in this blog. I will always have pieces of our history together because of it. And if there is one good thing from this blog it is that. I can at least look back on our newlywed-dom and realize that we are still just as in love as we were then. Possibly more :]

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