Friday, April 5, 2013

parenthood is a battlefield

this is a rant post. (oh come on, you know you like reading those)

The days following Easter have been interesting. I use that word because I don't want to sound like a negative person- or else I could say "horrid" or "bottom of the pit awful" or even "hilariously bad".

Charlotte is teething, Talmage and I had the worst stomach virus ever (or food poisoning..?), and Jonathan has just been absent for it all.

Ok, so not totally absent. He has Mon & Tues off so he was here some of the time. It just feels like I'm doing it all alone even when he's here because I tend to take charge ALL the time and I forget that I need to let him help me.

And C. She got 3 new teeth in 5 days, two of them molars. You can imagine. She didn't sleep, wasn't happy ever, and needed to be held at all hours of the day & night. I feel for her, I really do...but there's only so much I can do for her and I hate seeing her in pain. And I know that every parent knows this feeling. It still sucks.

Talmage and I somehow got sick and handled it differently. I won't go into details but it wasn't pretty for either of us. It took about 4 days to run its course and we're better now but HOLY COW- I have never felt that sick to my stomach--not even when I was pregnant. And we had the sister missionaries come over for dinner Tues. night --I love our missionaries and it was wonderful having them over but very difficult to cook or eat that day, much less socialize. I guess I could have cancelled but I hate cancelling on people when I say I will do something.

So amidst the sickness and teething or little/no sleep, I haven't been a very good mommy. Nor a patient mommy. Nor a mommy that feels like posting a dozen pictures of my kids each day with captions about how much I love them etc. And it is hard for me to get online and see other moms be so happy about everything. This isn't the first time I've felt like this. I compare myself to others way too much. Some days I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't enjoy being a parent all the time. As a mom, I am fighting the same battles over and over each day. Parenthood is hard for everyone- I know this. I've mentioned on my blog before that I have had OCD most of my life and I like things to be a certain way. When they aren't that way it doesn't just make me emotionally ill but mentally ill, too. And I feel like I am truly losing my mind. Kids are messy, and I am still trying every day to adjust to this principle. I wish I could let things be, let the toys be everywhere and the kid's faces be a little sticky now and then. I wish I didn't have to go into my room and rock myself back and forth until I'm calm. The funny things is that other people's kids don't have this effect on me at all- if I'm babysitting then I don't seem to mind messes or bad behavior. But when it's me and MY children I need to be in control. I wish I knew how to balance it all out. So far the only thing I know of is to keep praying and asking for comfort and peace of mind.

A friend of mine recently took a break from the internet for reasons of not wanting to play the "comparison game" all the time. And I get it, I totally get it. I've had to do that a couple of times, too. It makes me sad that so many of us women (moms or no) are feeling this way (myself included).

I promise that in the the future my blog posts won't be so depressing. T's birthday is soon, then mine, then Jonathan's- all within one month of each other. And then hopefully some big changes will be coming our way. There is always *some* kind of GOOD to look forward to. 

I am eager to listen to General Conference this weekend. It always seems to roll around just when I need it most. And I always feel like Heavenly Father is so aware of me as I listen to the talks. He knows just what I need to hear. This time-- so that I can hear a little better-- I am distracting my son with THIS. I didn't make it, but it was so well put together I just had to share the link with all of you! I printed it off last night on white cardstock and hole punched the pages, then binded them together with some metal rings. 

I hope that everyone enjoys Conference this weekend and gets some good out of it.  Or a lot of good :]


Logan and Ashleigh said...

Sometimes I am SO thankful that people can't see my attitude behind closed doors :) Being a Mom is a full time job...but sometimes I would really appreciate some paid time off!!

You are doing great...and shoot girl, I think I need to lock myself in my room a little more :)

Photographs n Memories said...

here you go again...writing EXACTLY how i feel today. I went to play group with my old ward...and on the drive home cried and cried and cried. I feel SO out of place, feel like I have NO friends, and feel like my wonderful brat of a child was screamed and screamed and was so mean to everyone else's kids. i figured it would be a good break, but between B and Parker I was DONE. This morning i got mad at REALLY mad. I was not patient at all and had to step back, get away from her, and say a prayer for forgiveness. I was just thinking on the drive from playgroup, "this is NOT how i imagined being a mom would be" not saying im ungrateful, but sometimes I do just need a break. a big break. i need me time. I cannot wait for General Conference either. thank goodness.

The Garlands said...

I know exactly what you mean Lindsey. Kenneth has been sick this week and I'm pretty sure getting in more teeth too. So he's been one crabby baby. As much as I love being a mom there are days like this week that I'm glad I have school to get a break from the crying.

Love you and I too am excited for Conference I am hoping I can feel some peace from it.